


The One Thing You Can't Forget

by darklips_paleface



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, F/M, John Mulaney AU?, M/M, also sorry i brought the waynes back to life only to make thomas a dick, blame john mulaney ok, but everyone secretly needed, is that a thing?, it's the crossover no one asked for, mentions of a blowjob, the tabby/babz/lucius is just for u chris chalk uwu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-09-29 14:48:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17205398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darklips_paleface/pseuds/darklips_paleface
Summary: "Every other person who had come to that party had the exact same intention as them: destroy this nice, rich family's home, and drink like it was the fucking end of times."Or, the John Mulaney stand-up/Nygmobblepot HS rager AU that no one ever asked for.UPDATE: first chapter is PG-13, second chapter is....you know ;)





	1. Safe for the Youths :)

**Author's Note:**

> reese definitely did not ask for or inspire this fic, but somehow i feel we should just blame him for it anyways. EXCEPT FOR CHAPTER 2! that one is the NSFW version of this fic where captain Barnes arrives juuuust a little later, and is, unfortunately, entirely my own sinful fault.

     For the three years he’d been in high school thus far, Edward Nygma had not done a single eventful thing. He went to classes and got good grades, he pined over a crush and spent Wednesdays with his friends at the McDonald’s by his house, and when the occasional party came around he politely declined. Sure, he sometimes regretted this decision when the stories would roll in Friday morning. “Did you hear that Zsasz made out with Jeremiah on accident last night?! He thought he was Jerome!” “Aha, no, man, I was in the basement playing kings cup with Jim and them, fuckin Barbara got so trashed she threw up in the sink! But get this-she took a shot IMMEDIATELY after and called all of us pussies. It was epic.” While his classmate’s escapades often disgusted him, a part of Edward felt left out knowing he’d never had his own “you’ll never believe what I did last night!” story. He’d even settle for just having  _ seen _ something happen, so long as he made it into the conversation. But that just wasn’t who he was.

     Somehow, that changed entirely one uneventful Wednesday night as he sat amongst his closest- only- friends at their usual booth in the run-down Mickie D’s. Lee had asked him, as she did every Wednesday, if he planned on attending the party with the rest of them the following evening. It was a Gotham Central High tradition, after all, to do  _ something  _ every Thursday. A practice the students had dubbed, “thirsty Thursdays”. Just before Ed could reply with his usual, “No thanks, but you guys have fun! And text me so I know you all get home safe!” Jim jumped in, “I heard Oswald’s got a mission for this one- you know how Jerome dumped him yesterday?  _ Right  _ before promposal season? Well, Harv told me heard Oswald declare in the middle of lunch today that he was gonna hook up with as many of his classmates as possible at the next rager to spite the bastard. And Bruce has been planning this one since his parents told him they were going out of town a month ago, so he  _ had  _ to mean the party tomorrow. Just some food for thought, Ed.” 

     Ed could tell by the obvious smirk on Jim’s face, and, when he looked around, the carefully schooled expressions of Lee, Kristen, and Lucius as well, that his friends knew this information might finally make the impossible happen. The only thing amongst their friend group more well known than Ed’s refusal to attend any high school party ever was Ed’s monumental crush on one Oswald Cobblepot. Since freshman year Edward had silently pined for him, and the obsession had grown to the point where it seemed everyone  _ but  _ Oswald knew about it.The only reason for that being; Oswald Cobblepot had no fucking clue who Edward Nygma was. 

     Knowing that Oswald’s most recent fling with the disturbed Valeska was off, and that he planned to celebrate that fact in a pretty spectacular way, was definitely not the  _ only  _ reason Ed had been convinced to go, however. It was well known amongst the school that Thomas Wayne was the literal worst. He was the school’s CEO and the epitome of rich, entitled asshole. And everyone knows, if you’re an asshole to the children your kids go to school with, you should never, ever leave town. Even if only for an extended weekend.

     Because there  _ will  _ be a party, and they  _ will _ destroy your house. It’s just common knowledge really. 

     So  _ that  _ was why Edward found himself in Kristen Kringle’s kitchen chugging a green apple four lokos at 9pm. He was pregaming for what was obviously going to be the most legendary party his high school had ever seen. It wasn’t to embolden him to approach the boy he’d been in love with for three years, god no, it was for the  _ memories.  _

     “Hey Ed, you know I’ve never actually seen you consume alcohol before and that’s a pretty bold first drink, maybe slow down a bit?” Lucius said, worriedly attempting to pull the can from his hands.

     “Yeah, ok, maybe you’re right. How’my ‘spose to know if it’s workin?” Ed slurred, and immediately began grinning, “y’guys, I think it’s workin!”

     This earned a loud cheer from the rest of the group, all of whom were well on their way to at least being tipsy. With the exception of Lucius Fox, who had quite literally drawn the short straw in their decision of who would DD for the night. “I hope you fuckers all know I’m taking pictures and videos for blackmail tonight” he mumbled instead, but it fell on drunk ears.

     Less than half an hour later found the crew, plus Harvey who had shown up to the pregame an hour late and shitfaced but insisting he still arrive with them, in front of the Wayne mansion. From the looks of it, every other person who had come to the party had the exact same intention as them: destroy this nice, rich family’s  home, and drink like it was the fucking end of times. And since Ed and his squad had showed up fashionably late, much of that plan was in full swing already. 

     Several things happened immediately when Ed entered the house. First, he was greeted by the sound of a loud crash, likely broken glass, and Bruce Wayne’s voice screaming, “TETCH YOU FUCKWAD THAT VASE COST MORE THAN YOU'RE WORTH!” Amidst the crowd, Ed also immediately lost his friends and spotted what appeared to be either a fight or the most violent making out he’d ever witnessed between Barbara Kean and Tabitha Galavan. As Ed tried to push deeper into the throng of the crowd, he overheard a lovely conversation between Victor Fries and Bridgit Pike that went as follows:

     “I don’t fucking know why! Maybe it was a dare-no! Fuck! I think he said something about the game before him being rigged but, like, next thing I knew Butch had taken a running jump and-he fuckin’-Vic, he  _ broke  _ the fuckin pool table!”

     “What he- like he  _ broke  _ it broke it?!”

     “It split. In  _ half.” _

_      “FUCK!  _ Well now where are we supposed to play beer pong?”

     So things were going well.

     Ed found he didn’t even mind much being separated from his friends, someone (he thought her name was Harmony? Haley? Something like that, anyways, he had only ever had one Econ class with her in his life so he wasn’t  _ that  _ big of a dick for not remembering) had even handed him a drink! For  _ free!  _ And though it tasted like lukewarm piss, so most probably it was a lite beer, it would be rude of Ed not to drink it, right? But after a few moments of lazily people watching, Ed decided to attempt to act on his whole reason for coming to the party in the first place. 

     So, with one four lokos and a swiftly chugged beer thrumming through his veins, Edward set out to find Oswald. He wondered why he’s never gotten drunk before now! This was  INCREDIBLE! He felt like he could do anything, he was a god amongst men, invinceable, nothing could possibly-!

     And then he spotted him. Outside, just beyond the back patio, making out with Jim. Jim Gordon. His supposed friend, who had dragged him to this fucking party in the first place because he  _ knew  _ Ed had come only to see Oswald, maybe talk to him, maybe more. He  _ knew  _ that. And there he was, kissing Oswald.Jim and Oswald. He felt like he was going to be sick. 

     Tears blurred Ed’s vision as he stumbled away from the door, away from the crowd, away from  _ everything.  _ This wasn’t how it was supposed to go, damn it! Edward could tell somehow that his sadness was only enhanced by his lack of sobriety but he didn’t care, Jim was a  _ dick,  _ and Ed was  _ heartbroken.  _ He just wanted to get a away from everything, so he pushed his way upstairs to try to find a bathroom to hide and cry in.

     (Not before that girl-Harley, he  _ swears  _ it’s  _ probably  _ Harley! Passed him a shot that, obviously, he took with her. Sadness is no excuse for impoliteness, after all)

     Upon finally reaching the landing, Ed was greeted by the wildly cackling Jerome Valeska and Selina Kyle. “Oh my god-you! Hey, you! Fuckin’ Ed right? Holy shit you’ll never believe what Jerome just did!”

     Ed was, to say the least, fully sobbing, but still felt compelled to participate in the night somehow, “W-w-what’d he do?” Neither seemed particularly phased by his crying anyways.

     “I took a SHIT! on old Tommy Wayne’s COMPUTER!” Valeska screamed, and the pair collapsed into a fit of giggles on the floor before him.

     Ed was mildly impressed, incredibly disgusted, and still heartbroken so he stepped over them attempting to leave, but not before weakly returning the high-five Jerome immediately shot his hand up for upon noticing Ed’s retreat. 

     Once he had made it passed them, Ed figured he was alone upstairs. Most of the party appeared to be confined to the downstairs and basement area, so he figured he would at least have isolation in his moping until Lucius summoned them all via their group text to reconvene at the car to leave. He knew that, since they had only just arrived, he would have to endure at the very least another two hours (likely more, with how iconic this party was shaping up to be)  before there was any chance his friends were ready to leave, so Ed simply went into the nearest restroom and locked the door behind him.

     He did not, however, expect that restroom to be occupied. 

     “Hey what the f-!” Ed was startled by the scream upon his entrance, and quickly flicked the lights to the bathroom on.

     “Oh, sorry! ’m sorry, I’ll leave, I jus’,” and Ed took a moment to look at the girl who’d screamed at him, “-why're you all sittin’ here- in th’dark?” Sat before Edward was Ivy Pepper, Jervis Tetch, and- “LEE! Lee hey, you’re here!” 

     “Yeah, Ed, here, come sit by me” Lee replied, patting the linoleum next to where she was seated. It was a spacious bathroom, Lee was sitting propped against the sinks, to her right was Ivy, sat on the ledge of an enormous tub, and inside the tub Jervis was sprawled out, a half-finished blunt dangling between his lips.

     “We didn’t want Bruce to find us cause he said no smoking in the house, but it’s so  _ cooold  _ outside!” Ivy whined, before seemingly realizing the threat Ed posed and adding, “SHHH! You can’t tell him we’re in here, quick, the lights-! Or he’ll see us!” 

    "D’n worry-I think he’s i’th basement makin out w’Jer’miah. He won’t see you.” At that, Lee laughed. Which, of course, set everyone else off laughing at Ed too. And she  _ knew  _ he hated people laughing at him! What, was this the night Ed’s friends decided to attack him and ruin his life or something? As he plopped down next to Lee, he decided that was a question he needed answered.

     “D’you all fuckin’ hate me or s’mthin, Lee? You’re laughin, and Jim! Jim-” at the memory, Ed felt his throat clench up and tears start to form again, “Jim kissed the  _ love  _ of my  _ life- _ why’d I even co-o-ome?!” As he trailed off into desperate sobs, Ed felt himself enveloped in a signature Lee Thompkins mom hug. She carefully rubbed his back until he had calmed from full sobs to tiny whimpers, before attempting to speak to him.

     “Ed, sweetie, what the fuck?”

     “You’re laughing at me!”

     “Ed, no, I promise, we’re laughing because we’re  _ high!”  _ At that, Ed looked up. The proof was right before him, Lee’s red eyes, Jervis’ chilled sprawl in the tub, and perhaps most damning of all-Ivy taking a drag of the almost-cashed blunt. 

     “ _ Ohhhh _ , haha, oh! Ok.” Ed said, a happy, bubbly calm settling itself over him once more. “I guess not you then-But Jim-”

     Lee immediately saw the tears begin to form again in Eds eyes, so she quickly jumped in,“Eddie, why don’t you- _ calmly _ -explain what happened with Jim?”

     “I-i-I saw him makin’ out with Oswald Cobblepot!” And as fresh tears began to fall, a new horror dawned on Ed, “oh  _ Lee!  _ It was  _ Jim!  _ Oh my god, I didn’even  _ realize,  _ I’m so sorry! Your rela’shnship is  _ over!  _ Our par-par’mours have left us for eachother Lee, oh my  _ god,  _ what’re we gonn’do?” By this point Ed’s blubbering had returned full force, but it was all so awful he couldn’t stop the words spilling from his mouth if he tried, “does this mean  _ we  _ have t’get together? Oh  _ GOD,  _ Lee, I’m s’sorry, I love you, but I’m  _ so. SOOO GAY!”  _ It was too much, and again he felt himself buckle beneath the overwhelming weight of his sorrows and fell heavily into Lee’s waiting arms. He could hear the absolutely insane laughter coming from Jervis and Ivy, (and possibly Lee? But no, that had to be sobbing, she had just heard the worst news of her  _ life,  _ she couldn’t possibly be laughing) but even their mocking couldn’t revive his anger. He was lost to a depression so deep he knew he would never recover. Eventually Lee hauled Ed up to sitting, and looked very deeply into his eyes, both hands clasped around his face. 

     Ed braced himself for the inevitable; a kiss. The beginning of their awful marriage of convenience. But as he screwed his eyes shut and dramatically puckered his lips in preparation, no kiss came. 

     “Ed, holy shit, STOP!” Lee shouted, shaking his head vigorously. She was obviously laughing now, which had Ed opening his eyes in sheer confusion.

     “Lee? Are you-laughin? Wha’ about this is  _ FUNNY  _ to you?!” 

     “Ed, you are  _ sooo  _ drunk! Jim and I aren’t over! And your chances with Oswald aren’t ruined-Listen to me, ok, I know this is going to be hard to hear, but Os has literally made out with everyone tonight. Him and Jim are not in love, your life isn’t over, and you and me?  _ Never  _ gonna happen.”

     “But- but Jim- and- and- everyone?” Ed darted his eyes around the bathroom as soon as he was released from Lee’s grasp to find Jervis and Ivy nodding sagely to back up her point.

     “Jervis?”

     “Oh yes, almost immediately really. In front of my dear Jonathan too!” Ed gulped.

     “Ivy?”

     “Mmhmm! I mean he is my best friend, and I’m just so ace it doesn’t really phase me, so I figured, why not?” Worriedly, Ed’s inquisitive eyes finally landed on Lee.

     “You too?”

     “Yep.”

     “But-when?”

     “Right after we got here-I’m surprised you missed it! I told Jim I was gonna go meet up with Ivy and Jerv to smoke, kissed him goodbye because I knew he didn’t wanna come with, and then suddenly Oswald was there saying something about it being homophobic to kiss each other and not him. So I grabbed him and made out with him.” At Eds flinch, she quickly amended, “just a little! And no tongue or anything. But he’s very good, if that helps!”

     “Ok, but, I don’t get it” and truly, he didn’t. He had stopped crying as confusion enveloped and overwhelmed his sadness. Something about being drunk left room for only one emotion to focus on at a time, Ed noticed. “Wha’s he doin? Tryin to get mono?”

     “No, Ed, you dumbass!” Lee said fondly, playfully slapping his shoulder, “he’s trying to get over his breakup with Jerome! Remember what Jim said? The whole  _ reason  _ you came? Oswald is being dramatic about a relationship he never even cared about as an excuse to kiss the entire class. And, hey, more power to him! But you can’t let it upset you, it means  _ nothing.” _

     At this, Ed felt some small comfort. That did sound very Oswald, especially the way he approached Lee. Still, though, something bothered him. 

     “But, ok, so he’s makin’out with everyone, why hasn’t he kissed  _ me?”  _ and even as he pouted, Ed felt the very tiny beginnings of something like sobriety dawning on him, because he felt rather childish in his complaint. 

     “Ed, have you even talked to Oswald yet?” Ivy sneered, clearly annoyed at his ruination of their vibe.

     “Oh, well, I mean I was on my way to when I saw him with Jim and figured-”

     “No no no, not tonight, I mean, like, ever?” Which, she had a point. Ed knew he needn’t even confirm her speculation due the telling looks the three flashed him at his failure to respond.

     “Honey, how about instead of hiding in a bathroom with the stoner club all night, you go make a move on the guy you’ve been in love with for three years?” Lee prodded. And, truly, her logic was infallible. In the least graceful way imaginable, Ed collected himself up into a standing position. Before leaving the bathroom, he quickly saluted the three. 

     “Thank you all for your service!” He proclaimed, and in one swift motion he was exiting the bathroom.

     But just as he closed the door behind him he heard Jervis’ chuckle, followed by the worst attempt at a whisper as Tetch declared, “Two star-crossed lovers, by Cupid’s arrow struck! And surely, by Ed, Oswald’s dick is to be sucked!”

     It was a beautiful poem, really. Ed wanted it cross stitched on a pillow, so he attempted to file it away in his brain for later crafting endeavors.

     As he made his way back into the throng of partiers, Ed was once again stopped by Harley. “HEY DRINKING BUDDY! Where’d you go, I missed you!” 

     This was a surprising turn, as Ed was certain the two had never spoken to each other, but he was never one to turn away a chance at a new friend. “I had to go cry in a bathroom! But I’m back now!”

     Harley simply nodded before screaming “LETS GET FUCKED UP!” and proceeding to drag Ed into the kitchen with her. He watched as she began emptying various bottles into two glasses-all of which seemed to be hard liquor save for the splash of root beer she topped the concoction off with. 

     The first sip made him gag, but he felt bad disappointing his new friend so Ed took several gulps quickly before asking, “What exactly is this?”

     “Fuck if I know, but it’ll make damn certain you don’t remember any of this tomorrow!” Ed wasn’t sure he liked the sound of that, however, something about it seemed promising in case things with Oswald didn’t go so well. At the very least, he felt confident this drink would give him the courage he desperately needed to approach Oswald, no matter who Os was currently kissing. 

     The two finished their drinks in relative silence, and at the end, Harley simply pointed towards the basement. Ed quirked his eyebrow, a silent question.

     “Oswald’s down there-you were looking for him, yeah?” Ed was overcome-both by the incredibly high alcohol content of the beverage he had just consumed, and by simple the understanding of his new friend-so he quickly darted forward and embraced Harley incredibly tightly and very quickly. She merely patted his head as he squeezed her middle, and whispered, “Good luck, dude.” With that, Ed was off. Feeling rejuvenated by both Harley’s blessing and her drink, he stumbled his way down the steps and into the basement. 

     The energy of the lower level of the party was something that Edward could have never prepared himself for. He was, without a doubt, shit faced, and yet looking around he somehow still felt sober. The room was packed with people who were some combination of cross-faded, blackout drunk, and literally passed out. The last one was mostly just Jonathan Crane in the corner of the room, curled up in a bean bag with a spinny cap on his head and a bottle of jack daniels nestled in his arms like a baby. There was something about the basement of Wayne Manor that night that Ed was sure would not and could not be recreated at any party to come. It was an air of total and utter chaos, in which he felt really and truly alive.

     It took Ed a moment to spot Oswald amidst the mayhem, and when he did find him he was surprised to see him completely alone, not draped across some random classmate, and utterly fuming. Ed hadn’t been following him throughout the party, so he couldn’t fathom why he was so pissed off. Maybe Oswald was just one of those angry drunks? Although now that Ed had actually expirienced being drunk, he kind of felt that “what type of drunk are you” mythos was bullshit. He’d so far been all of the different types of drunk throughout the night, from weepy to happy, like he was one of the Snow White’s seven dwarves. Cautiously, he began to approach Oswald.

     Just before he could speak, Oswald noticed him. “Can I help you?”

     That...wasn’t quite what Ed expected. Then again, he did look rather agitated. “I don’think so, can you?”

     He rolled his eyes, and Ed’s palms began to sweat. Things certainly were not going as well as he’d hoped, but at the very least, Oswald was still talking to him. “Wha d’ou want?”

     “Wha’ I want th’poor have, th’rich need, and if ya eat it, ya die.” and that  _ really _ had not been a part of Ed’s plan. But somehow, despite the alcoholic haze clouding his brain, Ed was still nervous. And a nervous Ed meant riddles, everyone who knew him knew that.

     “Is this...A-are you askin’ me a ri-riddle?” Oswald, however, did not know Ed. But though he still seemed somewhat annoyed and now increasingly confused, Oswald had begun to giggle, which Ed took as a good sign.

     “D’you like riddles?” He couldn’t help it, Ed was laughing too. Oswald just had one of those smiles, cheesy as it was to even think it, that lit up the whole room. Maybe only Ed thought that, but still, his laughter was infectious. 

     “No.” Oswald stated, a mirth still coloring his expression.

     “S’d’you give up?”

     “Friend, lookit-” and now Oswald was leaning on him, his hands placed on each of Ed’s shoulders, and he swayed gently into Ed’s personal space.

     “Nothing!” Ed exclaimed, and they were both lost in a fit of giggles now, “Th-the answ’r is nothin’! Th’rich habbit-no, wait, the  _ poor _ eat it-no, no-”

     For one spectacular moment, Oswald’s gaze flicked up to Edward’s eyes and cut through his attempts to stumble through the explanation. He was smiling so wide his face looked like it might split in two, and with something that sounded almost like awe, Oswald asked, “Who  _ are _ you?”

     “Edward. Nygma. I know who  _ you _ -” before he could finish his thought, he felt Oswald’s lips on his own. It was incredible, soft lips accompanied by insistent pressure. Ed’s eyes slid shut and his arms instinctively wrapped around Oswald’s neck and wove through his hair, as if before his mind could even process the kiss Ed’s body knew to cling to Oswald’s and never let go. He felt Oswald’s hands travel up from his shoulders to cup his face, and he began to stumble as, slowly, Os took several steps forward. He wasn’t sure where he was being lead, all he was aware of was Oswald’s tongue grazing his lower lip. Everything else seemed unimportant. After what felt like an incredibly long walk backwards while still connected to and entirely focused on Oswald’s mouth, Ed felt Oswald’s hands move to grab for something just beyond Ed’s back. He took that distraction as a sign to pull apart. Only upon separation did Ed realize how incredibly badly he needed to actually breathe, and between gulps for air all he could really manage to say to Os was, “Wha-?” but it did the job. 

     Oswald spun him into the room beyond the door he’d just opened, then roughly closed it behind the pair. “Laundry room. C’mere” and really that was explanation enough, so Ed did as he was told and enthusiastically resumed kissing him. It was probably, in hindsight, not even great. Ed knew he was excited, and drunk, and out of practice, so surely he was one of the worst on Oswald’s kiss list for the night. However, Oswald was matching him with enthusiasm, so felt it couldn’t have been entirely unbearable. A bite to Oswald’s lower lip earned him a soft gasp in response. Oswald returned the gesture by dipping his tongue into Ed’s mouth, causing Ed to moan deep and low in the back of his throat. Ed lost track of time in the cramped laundry room in the back of the Wayne’s basement, but suddenly the temperature in the room began to rise as Ed felt himself being pushed against the washing machine. Oswald’s hands were working up under Ed’s cardigan and T-shirt, and he jumped at the feeling of  Os’ hands on his bare chest.

     “Wait-” Ed interjected, pushing Oswald away.

     “Sorry, sorry, too fast?”

     “No! No no no no,  _ definitely  _ no, I just-I just wanted-well I was wondering if-”

     “Ed!” Oswald interrupted, and a small part of Ed was surprised that Oswald even remembered his name. Surprised, and elated. “Spit it out, please?”

     “There’s just something I want to-here” and Ed switched their position, leaning Oswald against the washing machine as he slowly dropped to his knees before him. “Is this okay?”

     Oswald’s eyes were blown wide with surprise and lust, and he quickly nodded, “Yes, holy shit, yeah-”

     With a smile, Ed began to pull down the zipper to Oswald’s fly. Ed was flattered to see, through Os’ incredibly tight jeans, that already he was hard from merely making out with Ed. He tried not to let it go to his head, but he couldn’t help his pride at having his long-time crush above him, panting and straining in his pants from nothing more than some kissing and heavy petting. 

     Just as he had undone his fly, however, a chant from the other room grew to a deafening pitch. Begrudgingly, Ed scooted away from Os to open the door a crack and peak through. He was only able to make out a few things. First, there was Harvey bullock, above the sea of teens and clearly the leader of the chant, shouting, “FUCK DA POLICE!” he was surrounded immediately by Kristen, Jerome, Bridgit, and, surprisingly, Jeremiah Valeska. The twins were notorious for their hatred of each other, but here they were, arms slung around each other, chanting with the others. However, that group had their backs to the entrance to the basement. Jim Gordon did not, and upon apparently seeing movement on the stairs behind Harvey, grabbed the nearest forty, threw it to the ground, and screamed, “SCATTER!” This was hilarious not just for the almost poetic visual of a broken forty on the ground instantly sobering up the sea of drunken children and sending them running in all directions, but also for the fact that Ed happened to know that both Harvey and Jim actually had plans to join the police force upon graduation. Ed didn’t have long to focus on that, though, as through the commotion Ed spotted the irate face of Nathaniel Barnes, captain of the GCPD, descending into the basement. Quickly, he shut the door again and turned to face Oswald.

     “Os, we gotta go, the police-”

     “Ok, ok Ed, it’s fine don’t panic, here, just,” He began trying to climb onto the washing machine, “gimme a boost, ok?”

     Ed did, and watched as Oswald opened the window just above their heads. By the time Ed had followed him, jumping on top of the machine, Oswald had popped the screen out of the window and began wiggling his way out of the small opening. The window did not, upon first glance, appear big enough for a grown man to crawl through, but somehow they managed. Truthfully, Ed had no memory of  _ how _ exactly they fit, but rather than question it Ed focused on the fact that immediately upon exiting the window Oswald had grabbed his hand and pulled him into a full sprint away from the mansion. Ed had no idea where the pair was heading, in fact, the last memory he had of that night was encountering the six-foot tall stone wall encasing the Wayne property, turning to Oswald and declaring, “We’ll never get over that!” and then he was home.

 

     Ed woke up the next morning with a headache so intense he was almost convinced to simply hide under his blanket for the next week and never open his eyes again. Almost. Until he remembered, in a sudden and intense flash, everything that had happened the night before. Oswald. He had kissed  _ Oswald _ . And it hadn’t stopped there, either, he’d nearly- _ shit.  _ He had to see him. Talk to him. But, god, Oswald was so drunk, what if he forgot? Ed himself didn’t remember a single thing about getting back to his house, who’s to say Oswald would even remember kissing him? He’d kissed half the school last night, Ed would have had to have been  _ spectacular  _ to be remembered, and with how drunk he was Ed was certain he wasn’t that. He had to know, had to know what Oswald remembered. In order to do that, however, Ed had to first get to school, a feat that felt almost herculean. Alas, that was the burden Ed was willing to bear in the name of love.

     The entire student body of Gotham Central High entered school the Friday after Bruce Wayne’s iconic rager with the energy of wearied soldiers returning to the states at the end of the first World War. For certain, there was a sense of accomplishment and victory in their gait, but at what cost? They were the survivors, their friends who had been grounded for getting caught by the GCPD were casualties still being mourned, and everyone had their hangovers as a war wound to remember the night by. Of course, for most, that was where their memories surrounding the night ended. 

     The first interaction of Ed’s day was with none other than Bruce Wayne himself. The freshman looked panicked, and upon spotting Ed he immediately beelined towards him for interrogation. 

     “Ed! Ed, were you at my place last night?”

     “Ummm…” Ed knew that he had a reputation for never attending a party, and seeing as Bruce was obviously upset about the turn of events, Ed made the snap decision to lie. “No. No, I wasn’t, why? What happened?”

     “Oh dude, it was fucking crazy! Butch broke my pool table! Someone took a shit on my dad’s computer! And Harley drank all of my mom’s hidden liquors! Do you know how expensive those were?! We had free beer I don’t know why she would-” Bruce shook his head quickly, dispelling his tangential thoughts, “Anyways, it was really fucked up man. But I’m glad you weren’t there, that would’ve been the worst way to enter the party scene, man, it was  _ insane.  _ I’m almost glad the cops busted it.”

     Ed tried to make his face seem as sympathetic as possible, before attempting to console Bruce, “I’m sorry to hear that, Bruce. Maybe get a maid in there before your parents get home? Or-don’t you guys have like a butler or something? Anyways, you haven’t seen Oswald Cobblepot today have you? Or any of my friends? Lee, Kristen, Jim, Lucius?” Bruce shook his head solemnly, so with a final sympathetic pat to his shoulder, Ed left the young teen to his musings. He had to find Oswald. 

     That mission, however, was interrupted the fact that this was a high school and Ed did, unfortunately, have classes he needed to attend. He shared his first class with Jim and Kristen, who immediately upon Ed’s entrance, pulled him into their huddle.

     “Ed, where the fuck did you go last night? We’ve been going crazy worried about you!” 

     “You didn’t even text Lucius back! We had no idea if you even got home!” Kristen punctuated this with a slap to Ed’s arm, and in his weakened hangover stated, he couldn’t help but rub the wound and flinch away from her. 

     “I’m sorry, guys, really, I...Wish I could tell you how I got home, too.” Jim and Kristen shared a nervous glance, so he continued, “I mean I did get home! And, I’m fine! So, that’s good, right? But I really am sorry that I worried you all.”

     “So, you have no memory of getting home,” Jim began cautiously, “Then what do you remember? I mean maybe if you were hanging out with someone else they gave you a ride? I can’t imagine how long the walk would be, but I guess in theory you could have done that, too…” He trailed off, clearly hoping Ed would fill in some blanks.

     “Well, I’m almost positive Oswald wouldn’t have driven us, seeing as he was  _ very _ inebriated, and does he even own a car? So maybe-”

     But that was all he could get out before Kristen cut him off with a squeal, “Ed! Oh my god, are you serious?! You were with  _ Oswald _ last night?! You have to tell us everything!”

     And he did. Jim at least had the decency to look sheepish at the mention of Ed’s heartbreak upon initially finding him kissing Oswald, which was much better than the loud laugh that earned Kristen a warning from the teacher when Ed explained how he sobbed in the bathroom to Lee about it. Looking back, though, he could definitely see the hum our in it all. And, as he reached the grand Laundry room climax of his retelling of last night’s events, Ed realized he finally had a legendary party story.

     “Wow,” Kristen started, “I can’t believe you almost  _ blew  _ Oswald fucking Cobblepot! And all it took you was a couple of drinks! I’m proud of you, Eddie!”

     “Me too, man! But-” And Jim looked curiously nervous, “Have you talked to him since then? I mean don’t get me wrong, it sure sounds like you two had something special but he was- well, kinda- I mean, he did kinda kiss  _ everyone  _ so-” Jim withered at the glare Kristen shot him.

     “Don’t listen to Jim, Eddie, he’s being a party pooper. I’m sure Oswald remembers you and is just as crazy about you now as you’ve been about him for years. All you have to do is find him and talk to him. I’m sure it’s going to be amazing though!”

     Ed tried to smile, Kristen was so good at making everyone feel optimistic even in the worst of times. However, Jim was right. Oswald had made out with just about everyone present in their class, not to mention he was drunk and it was near the end of the night- to say the least, Ed had a few doubts.

     At the sound of the bell the three parted ways. Ed knew his next class had none of his friends, but would offer entertainment in the form of both Ivy Pepper and Barbara Kean sharing that class with him. At the very least, seeing how hungover they were would be amusing. On his way to that class he spotted a white-blonde flash in front of him, who he immediately recognized as his ‘drinking buddy’ of the previous night. Unsure of where they might stand in the light of day away from the easy solidarity that came with drunkenness, Ed prepared to walk passed her unnoticed. He was surprised at the small wave she gave him, accompanied by a bawdy wink. He meekly returned it, feeling somehow lighter that maybe he had made a small kinship last night after all. 

     The rest of the school day passed fairly uneventfully. The classes he shared with those he knew attended the Wayne Manor Rager, as the rumor mill had dubbed it, were slightly more bearable than usual. Maybe it was something about finally being part of something, but he felt linked to his classmates in a way he couldn’t describe. As miserable as his headache was making him, he couldn’t help but complain about it with pride; it meant he had finally done something truly rebellious in his life. His day was probably only actually enhanced, though, by the snippets of conversation Ed was able to catch from various groups of fellow attendees. From Ivy and Barbara, Ed got; “-guess he felt bad because Butch ditched us, or whatever, but once he dropped Jim and them off, Lucius picked me and Tabby up and we all went to Denny’s. I guess I was blackout because Tabby told me this morning I kept asking him to have a threesome with us, but honestly, I stand by it.” From his Calculus class he overheard a heated debate between Jervis Tetch and Victor Fries over which of them had actually won the final peer bong match before Butch destroyed the table, and in the halls on his way to lunch he caught Selina describing how she spent the night at Bruce’s to Bridgit Pike. Apparently all that had happened was the two stayed up until 5am listening to Kidzbop covers, and as much as Ed wanted to point out that that sounded like a bad cover for a hookup, he couldn’t deny it did seem like something the pair would do.

     Ed’s final class of the day was English Comp., and, of course, was the one class he shared with Os. He took a deep breath to center himself before entering the classroom, only to find Oswald hadn’t even arrived yet. Ed took his usual seat near the front of the class, knowing Oswald would have to pass him on his way to his regular spot in the farthest back corner seat. Ed couldn’t help the sudden nervousness he felt as his teacher began her lecture for the day, and the door swung shut behind her. It wouldn't be unlike Oswald to be late, but then again, it also wouldn’t be unlike him to not show up at all. 

     When Oswald did finally arrive, five minutes late with Starbucks in hand, Ed audibly sighed in relief. Maybe that’s why Oswald’s eyes snapped to him, but it wouldn’t explain the way his mouth lifted subtly in an almost unnoticeable smile. On his way to his seat, Os walked right past Ed, a move Ed wouldn’t have found intentional were it not for the small slip of paper Oswald subtly dropped onto Ed’s desk. It simply read, “ _ shared between two, most often to woo, the beginning of us all, young and old, what am i? _ ” Ed felt his heart pick up pace, felt it nearly leap right out of his chest and back to Oswald, it’s true owner. Remaining in his seat for the hour and a half class felt nearly impossible, but Edward somehow managed it. Before the teacher had even finished talking Ed had his books packed away and was ready to spring out of his seat. 

_      He remembers me. He remembers we kissed. He remembered the riddle. He gave me a love riddle. He remembers me.  _

     Over and over in his head the thoughts raced. It all seemed impossibly too much. As the other students rose and began to exit the classroom, Ed pushed his way out the door immediately. He wanted to be outside waiting for him, he needed to talk to him, needed to know how Oswald felt about it all.

     “H-hello! Oswald, Hi!” Oswald flinched slightly, clearly not expecting Ed to be waiting by the door to loom over him. 

     “Edward. Good to see you in the light of day.” and that smirk, it was downright filthy. Ed almost died right there.

     “Hah! Yes, right, day, um, about that-”

     “About what, Edward? Daytime? Or maybe you’re alluding to last night?” Ed gave a shaky nod, a gesture which was mostly useless going by the knowing glint in Oswald’s eye. “What, specifically, about last night did you want to discuss with me, Ed?”

     “We-well, you see, I don’t know how much of last night you remember, I confess, there are gaps in my own memory- but if you’ll recall there was a somewhat heated moment we shared-”

     “You mean when you almost went down on me in Bruce Wayne’s laundry room? Yes, Edward, I definitely remember that.” Ed felt the telling warmth of a blush spread across his face and down his neck, equal parts embarrassment and arousal.

     “Yes, that. Anyways, I know this is a long shot, seeing as I certainly was nothing special after you’d already kissed most of the school but-”

     “Edward,” Oswald stopped him, both with his words and literally by blocking his path as they’d begun to walk together towards the parking lot in the back of the school, “I’m not sure what you’ve heard, but I definitely did not achieve that great of a feat. All in all I only actually kissed twelve people last night. Not half the student body.”

     Somehow, that did make Ed feel slightly better. He was one of only a dozen last night that received the blessing of Oswald Cobblepot’s lips. He felt honored. 

     “Oh. Well, yes, that’s certainly less than I expected. Regardless, I don’t assume you meant anything by kissing me last night, I mean it was just to get over your recent breakup after all, but I was hoping that, well, that maybe it... _ could _ mean something?” Ed winced at how hopeful and desperate he sounded. Honestly, Oswald was probably mortified he’d even kissed such a naive child at all, Ed should know better than to try to make something out of a simple drunken almost-hookup. 

     “What are you asking me, Edward?” And yet, he didn’t look disgusted. Or annoyed. He looked rather...fond.

     “Oswald, would you like to have dinner with me? Tonight, possibly? I know several restaurants, depending on any dietary restrictions you might have, and-”

     Oswald stopped Ed’s rant with a maddeningly chaste, incredibly quick peck to his lips. “Ed, I’d be delighted. How about you pick me up at, say, 7? You do know where I live, right?” It felt as though Os was mocking him, but Ed was far too thrilled to care.

     “Yes! Yes, that's...perfect.” And really, he should be more embarrassed about how flustered he was over one tiny kiss, but this was  _ Oswald Cobblepot _ , the man of his dreams. He felt somewhat entitled to his bumbling state.

     “I do have one question, though,” Oswald began, reaching down to entwine his fingers with Ed’s and resume their walk to the lot, “what inspired you, shy little Eddie Nygma, to act so brazen last night? Surely, It can’t have just been the booze?”

     “Ah, funny you mention it. In fact, I did have a muse. I heard the most beautiful poem last night that I’d love to share with you-”

Fin.


	2. ADULTS ONLY!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> soooooo.... I decided to grow the fuck up and write a big boy fic. this is not only my first fic, but my first ever smut scene! so please, be gentle with your comments. You can totally skip this chapter if ya find sex icky, but I have to say I kinda made some major adjustments? and tbh I think I like this version a LOT more. It's gonna pick up right when they actually get into the laundry room, so this can't be read entirely alone, ya kinda need the first chapter for context. 
> 
> TW: Dub-con if you squint? I'm not tagging this because it is ultimately 100% consensual and remembered, but if you are at all squeamish at the thought of a suuuuuper drunk hookup, maybe steer clear.

     Oswald spun him into the room beyond the door he’d just opened, then roughly closed it behind the pair. “Laundry room. C’mere” and really that was explanation enough, so Ed did as he was told and enthusiastically resumed kissing him. It was probably, in hindsight, not even great. Ed knew he was excited, and drunk, and out of practice, so surely he was one of the worst on Oswald’s kiss list for the night. However, Oswald was matching him with enthusiasm, so he felt it couldn’t have been entirely unbearable. A bite to Oswald’s lower lip earned him a soft gasp in response. Oswald returned the gesture by dipping his tongue into Ed’s mouth, causing Ed to moan deep and low in the back of his throat. Ed lost track of time in the cramped laundry room in the back of the Wayne’s basement, but suddenly the temperature in the room began to rise as Ed felt himself being pushed against the washing machine. Oswald’s hands were working up under Ed’s cardigan and T-shirt, and he jumped at the feeling of  Os’ hands on his bare chest.

     “Wait-” Ed interjected, pushing Oswald away.

     “Sorry, sorry, too fast?”

     “No! No no no no,  _ definitely  _ no, I just-I just wanted-well I was wondering if-”

     “Ed!” Oswald interrupted, and a small part of Ed was surprised that Oswald even remembered his name. Surprised, and elated. “Spit it out, please?”

     “There’s just something I want to- here” and Ed switched their position, leaning Oswald against the washing machine as he slowly dropped to his knees before him. “Is this okay?”

     Oswald’s eyes were blown wide with surprise and lust, and he quickly nodded, “Yes, holy shit, yeah-”

     With a smile, Ed began to pull down the zipper to Oswald’s fly. Ed was flattered to see, through Os’ incredibly tight jeans, that already he was hard from merely making out with Ed. He tried not to let it go to his head, but he couldn’t help his pride at having his long-time crush above him, panting and straining in his pants from nothing more than some kissing and heavy petting. 

     Edward had never before in his life been even remotely this intimate with another person, so he took a shallow breath as he pulled Oswald from his briefs. Unsure of how exactly to proceed, Ed began by licking the precum currently dripping from Oswald’s cock. At the low moan that drew, Ed gained some confidence. Slowly, he took the tip into his mouth, and experimentally swirled his tongue around the head. Oswald bucked his hips slightly, forcing more of himself into Ed’s mouth, so he slackened his jaw in response. 

     With that adjustment Oswald began thrusting- just small, jerky movements of his hips- in Ed’s mouth, and Edward found himself grateful that Oswald was taking some of the guesswork away from him. It felt sloppy, saliva dripping down his chin, and dirty. Had he been sober, Ed was sure he’d be feeling self-conscious or embarrassed right now. But with the alcohol coursing through his veins he allowed himself to just enjoy it. He was already hard in his own slacks, desperate for relief. This, however, was more important, so Ed placed his hands on Oswald’s hips and allowed him to just  _ take. _

     “Ed-  _ fuck-  _ Ed, please, I need more” Os panted above him. Ed tried to cock his head, show his confusion somehow, but that was rather hard to do with his mouth full of dick. Oswald seemed to get the message though, and stopped, winded, to move his hands, quite adoringly, from their place on the edge of the washing machine to the sides of Ed’s face. Even with Oswald still inside his mouth, this small gesture had Ed blushing more than anything else that had taken place in the laundry room until then. “Edward,  _ please _ , can I just-” and, slowly, Os began to push himself even deeper into Edwards mouth until he had swallowed all of him. In that instant, Ed felt immeasurably grateful that he had been born lacking a gag reflex. “Oh  _ FUCK!  _ God, Ed, that’s so hot, fuckin’ perfect-” Ed’s face felt hot, deep in the pit of his stomach he was burning, all from a few simple words of praise. He was suddenly absolutely certain he was going to come from Oswald’s words alone. 

     Oswald was thrusting in earnest now, brazenly going as deep as he pleased knowing that Edward could, and would, take it. He was making some of the most sinful noises Ed had ever heard, low groans, breathy sighs and whimpers, and an endless stream of “Oh fuck!”s and “God yeah”s. He was chanting a litany of praise interspersed with Ed’s named and it was driving Edward terrifyingly close to the edge. In an attempt to bring Oswald to the brink before himself, Edward guided one of Os’ hands to the back of his head. Once Oswald had firmly grasped some of Ed’s hair, Ed guided his wrist, demonstrating that Oswald could pull him and guide him and  _ use  _ him. This caused Oswald’s hips to stutter briefly, and a shout of, “Edward, holy shit,  _ yes-!”  _ fell from his lips.

     They were both getting close after an embarrassingly short time. Ed blamed their drunken state, in Oswald’s case, and his own virginity for that. He wanted to indicate to Oswald that he was about to come, but his desire to not let him slip from between his lips won out in the end. He looked up for the first time, and his eyes immediately met Oswald’s. There was something so deeply erotic about Oswald just  _ watching  _ him like this, and Edward couldn’t help but moan in response. 

     The feeling of that caused Oswald to stop, take one deep, stuttering breath, and bite his bottom lip before asking, “Ed, I’m about to come, I wanna come in your mouth- is- can I-?” Something about that, perhaps the shy, almost boyish way Oswald was asking for permission mixed with the filthiness of the question, perhaps the thought of him doing  _ that _ , absolutely  _ shattered  _ Ed. Immediately he was coming in his pants, unable to stop himself or ever care enough to feel ashamed. He hoped Oswald wasn’t judging how virginal that must’ve been, but judging from the way Oswald began to come himself, hot and thickly down Edward’s throat, Ed assumed he wasn’t too bothered. 

     Ed sat back on his heels, releasing Oswald’s dick from his mouth for the first time since they’d started this, and took a few steadying breaths to collect himself. As Oswald tucked himself back into his pants, Edward rose on shaky and uncertain legs. He felt himself wobble slightly as he reached his full height, but instantly Oswald was grabbing his elbows to steady him. 

     A brief moment of silence, broken only by the thumping baseline and drunken laughter beyond the door, passed between them. Then, a shy smile, and a soft, “hi”, escaped Oswald’s lips.

     Ed knew he was blushing in response, and he couldn’t stop the grin that spread across his face. “Hi,” He replied, “how was- was that- was I ok, or-” 

     Before he could analyze his skills, or lack thereof, too harshly Os stopped him in the best way Ed could’ve possibly imagined. He pressed a soft, chaste kiss to Ed’s lips, before tasting himself and deepening the kiss to explore Edward’s mouth. Ed groaned, and after a few intense and heart-stopping moments, Oswald pulled back.

     “Listen, Ed, do you want to maybe-”

     Before he could finish that thought, though, a chant from the other room grew to a deafening pitch. Begrudgingly, Ed stepped away from Os to open the door a crack and peak through. He was only able to make out a few things. First, there was Harvey bullock, above the sea of teens and clearly the leader of the chant, shouting, “FUCK DA POLICE!” he was surrounded immediately by Kristen, Jerome, Bridgit, and, surprisingly, Jeremiah Valeska. The twins were notorious for their hatred of each other, but here they were, arms slung around each other, chanting with the others. However, that group had their backs to the entrance to the basement. Jim Gordon did not, and upon apparently seeing movement on the stairs behind Harvey, grabbed the nearest forty, threw it to the ground, and screamed, “SCATTER!” This was hilarious not just for the almost poetic visual of a broken forty on the ground instantly sobering up the sea of drunken children and sending them running in all directions, but also for the fact that Ed happened to know that both Harvey and Jim actually had plans to join the police force upon graduation. Ed didn’t have long to focus on that, though, as through the commotion Ed spotted the irate face of Nathaniel Barnes, captain of the GCPD, descending into the basement. Quickly, he shut the door again and turned to face Oswald.

     “Os, we gotta go, the police-”

     “Ok, ok Ed, it’s fine don’t panic, here, just,” He began trying to climb onto the washing machine, “gimme a boost, ok?”

     Ed did, and watched as Oswald opened the window just above their heads. By the time Ed had followed him, jumping on top of the machine, Oswald had popped the screen out of the window and began wiggling his way out of the small opening. The window did not, upon first glance, appear big enough for a grown man to crawl through, but somehow they managed. Truthfully, Ed had no memory of  _ how _ exactly they fit, but rather than question it Ed focused on the fact that immediately upon exiting the window Oswald had grabbed his hand and pulled him into a full sprint away from the mansion. Ed had no idea where the pair was heading, in fact, the last memory he had of that night was encountering the six-foot tall stone wall encasing the Wayne property, turning to Oswald and declaring, “We’ll never get over that!” and then he was home.

 

     Ed woke up the next morning with a headache so intense he was almost convinced to simply hide under his blanket for the next week and never open his eyes again, and an unfamiliar ache in his jaw. Suddenly, in an intense flash, he remembered everything that had happened the night before. Oswald. He had kissed  _ Oswald _ . HE HAD FUCKING BLOWN OSWALD FUCKING COBBLEPOT! He had to see him. Talk to him. But, god, Oswald was so drunk, what if he forgot? Ed himself didn’t remember a single thing about getting back to his house, who’s to say Oswald would even remember kissing him? Getting  _ head  _ from him?! He’d kissed half the school last night, Ed would have had to have been  _ spectacular  _ to be remembered, and with how drunk he was Ed was certain he wasn’t that. He had to know, had to know what Oswald remembered. In order to do that, however, Ed had to first get to school, a feat that felt almost herculean. Alas, that was the burden Ed was willing to bear in the name of love.

     First, though, Ed had to figure out how much of all this he had let slip to his friends, as he was certain that drunk him must’ve told  _ someone  _ what had happened. He started with the groupchat between himself and his closest friends, and immediately knew that was all he needed to see:

 

ED: HXLY SJIT U GUEYZZ I JST BLEW OZWLD CXBBLPIT!!!! (12:32am)

LEE: what the FUCK?! holy shit Ed- u good?! (12:33am)

JIM: haha nice! good job, bro! :) (12:33am)

FOXY: Ed, where are you? We left almost an hour ago but I’m at Denny’s- I can come get you still. (12:33am)

FOXY: Seriously, Ed, you need to respond to these texts, I’m worried. The others are all home. Please tell me where you are I will come get you. (12:46am)

LEE: eD c’mon man lucius is worried and Kristens gonna flip when she reads these texts tomorrow can u like...repsond, my guy? (12:59am)

FOXY: Where did Kris even end up? (12:59am)

LEE: p sure she went home w Harley…..;) (12:59am)

JIM: haha damn we all gettin’ laid 2nite!!!! (1:00am)

JIM: except u...sry lucius :( (1:00am)

FOXY: Yeah, not sure that’s accurate, but don’t even worry about it. (1:01am)

ED: dnt wcrry- am home :)))))) hey dzes this mnae im nxt a virgn n e more?!?! (1:15am)

LEE: no. (1:15am)

JIM: no. (1:15am)

FOXY: no. (1:15am)

KK: definitely no. (7:24am)

     Part of Ed was embarrassed, part of him was annoyed with his friends, but all of him knew he needed to get his ass to school to do some serious damage control.

 

     The entire student body of Gotham Central High entered school the Friday after Bruce Wayne’s iconic rager with the energy of wearied soldiers returning to the states at the end of the first World War. For certain, there was a sense of accomplishment and victory in their gait, but at what cost? They were the survivors, their friends who had been grounded for getting caught by the GCPD were casualties still being mourned, and everyone had their hangovers as a war wound to remember the night by. Of course, for most, that was where their memories surrounding the night ended. 

     The first interaction of Ed’s day was with none other than Bruce Wayne himself. The freshman looked panicked, and upon spotting Ed he immediately beelined towards him for interrogation. 

     "Ed! Ed, were you at my place last night?”

     “Ummm…” Ed knew that he had a reputation for never attending a party, and seeing as Bruce was obviously upset about the turn of events, Ed made the snap decision to lie. “No. No, I wasn’t, why? What happened?”

     “Oh dude, it was fucking crazy! Butch broke my pool table! Someone took a shit on my dad’s computer! And Harley drank all of my mom’s hidden liquors! Do you know how expensive those were?! We had free beer I don’t know why she would-” Bruce shook his head quickly, dispelling his tangential thoughts, “Anyways, it was really fucked up man. But I’m glad you weren’t there, that would’ve been the worst way to enter the party scene, man, it was  _ insane.  _ I’m almost glad the cops busted it.”

     Ed tried to make his face seem as sympathetic as possible, before attempting to console Bruce, “I’m sorry to hear that, Bruce. Maybe get a maid in there before your parents get home? Or-don’t you guys have like a butler or something? Anyways, you haven’t seen Oswald Cobblepot today have you? Or any of my friends? Lee, Kristen, Jim, Lucius?” Bruce shook his head solemnly, so with a final sympathetic pat to his shoulder, Ed left the young teen to his musings. He had to find Oswald. 

     That mission, however, was interrupted the fact that this was a high school and Ed did, unfortunately, have classes he needed to attend. He shared his first class with Jim and Kristen, who immediately upon Ed’s entrance, pulled him into their huddle.

     “Ed, what the fuck!? We’ve been going crazy worried about you!” Kristen punctuated this with a slap to Ed’s arm, and in his weakened hangover stated, he couldn’t help but rub the wound and flinch away from her. 

     “I’m sorry, guys, really, I wish I could tell you how I got home last night, or what else even happened, but it’s all just...kind of a blur.” Jim and Kristen shared a nervous glance, so he continued, “I mean I got home! And, I’m fine! So, that’s good, right? But I really am sorry that I worried you all.”

     “So, you have no memory of getting home,” Jim began cautiously, “Then what do you remember? Anything about….Oswald…?” He trailed off, clearly hoping Ed would fill in some blanks.

     “Yes, Don’t worry, I completely remember  _ that. _ ” Kristen and Jim both deflated with a sigh.

     “Thank GOD,” Kristen began, but soon shifted her tone to something altogether more soothing and worried, “Eddie, you know if you weren’t...ok with what happened, you can tell us. You know that, right?”

     At that Ed had to laugh, which was met by blank stares of possibly concern from his friends. He appreciated and respected their concern, but really, what were they expecting? “I am the exact opposite of ‘not okay’, actually! In fact, a bigger worry of mine is that perhaps  _ Oswald _ feels that way…” he trailed off, nervously biting at his lip as the thought occurred to him that, really, they were both  _ so drunk  _ last night, what if…

     “You haven’t talked to him?” Jim asked, slightly surprised. 

     “No, I mean when would I have? I got to school with just enough time to come here without being late. And he’s not in this class, so-”

     But that was all he could get out before Kristen cut him off, “Ed, this is really serious! You need to see him, see if he even remembers, jesus-”

     Jim stopped that thought with a simple “Kristen” and a disapproving glare.

     “What, Jim?! He was plastered and you know Os, I mean more power to him but the guy gets around, whose to say Ed was the only guy-”

     “Kristen, christ! Ed, don’t listen to her, she’s being an idiot I’m sure what you and Oswald shared was,” and Jim tried to hide it but his face betrayed the challenge he had coming up with the appropriate wording to describe Ed’s escapades, “special for him, too.”

     Ed tried to smile, Jim was at least trying to make him feel better, even if he was failing spectacularly. However, Kristen was right. Oswald had made out with just about everyone present in their class, hooked up with several more in the course of their four years if rumors were to be believed, not to mention he was drunk and it was near the end of the night- to say the least, Ed had a few doubts. With a glare from their teacher, who really was trying to actually teach them, the three silenced and Ed found himself drowning in his own anxieties for the remainder of the period.

     At the sound of the bell the three parted ways, with a few words of encouragement from Jim and Kristen. Ed knew his next class had none of his friends, but would offer entertainment in the form of both Ivy Pepper and Barbara Kean sharing that class with him. At the very least, seeing how hungover they were would be amusing. On his way to that class he spotted a white-blonde flash in front of him, who he immediately recognized as his ‘drinking buddy’ and Kristen’s apparent new conquest of the previous night. Unsure of where they might stand in the light of day away from the easy solidarity that came with drunkenness, Ed prepared to walk passed her unnoticed. He was surprised at the small wave she gave him, accompanied by a bawdy wink. He meekly returned it, feeling somehow lighter that maybe he had made a small kinship last night after all. 

     The rest of the school day passed fairly uneventfully. The classes he shared with those he knew attended the Wayne Manor Rager, as the rumour mill had dubbed it, were slightly more bearable than usual. Maybe it was something about finally being part of something, but he felt linked to his classmates in a way he couldn’t describe. As miserable as his headache was making him, he couldn’t help but complain about it with pride; it meant he had finally done something truly rebellious in his life. His day was probably only actually enhanced, though, by the snippets of conversation Ed was able to catch from various groups of fellow attendees. From Ivy and Barbara, Ed got; “-guess he felt bad because Butch ditched us, or whatever, but once he dropped Jim and them off, Lucius picked me and Tabby up and we all went to Denny’s. I guess I was blackout because Tabby told me this morning I kept asking him to have a threesome with us, but honestly, I stand by it.” And at the memory of Foxy’s texts from last night, Ed smirked to himself. Not entirely accurate, indeed. From his Calculus class he overheard a heated debate between Jervis Tetch and Victor Fries over which of them had actually won the final peer bong match before Butch destroyed the table, and in the halls on his way to lunch he caught Selina describing how she spent the night at Bruce’s to Bridgit Pike. Apparently all that had happened was the two stayed up until 5am listening to Kidzbop covers, and as much as Ed wanted to point out that that sounded like a bad cover for a hookup, he couldn’t deny it did seem like something the pair would do.

     Ed’s final class of the day was English Comp., and, of course, was the one class he shared with Os. He took a deep breath to center himself before entering the classroom, only to find Oswald hadn’t even arrived yet. Ed took his usual seat near the front of the class, knowing Oswald would have to pass him on his way to his regular spot in the farthest back corner seat. Ed couldn’t help the sudden nervousness he felt as his teacher began her lecture for the day, and the door swung shut behind her. It wouldn't be unlike Oswald to be late, but then again, it also wouldn’t be unlike him to not show up at all. 

     When Oswald did finally arrive, five minutes late with Starbucks in hand, Ed audibly sighed in relief. Maybe that’s why Oswald’s eyes snapped to him, but it wouldn’t explain the way his mouth lifted subtly in an almost unnoticeable smile. On his way to his seat, Os walked right past Ed, a move Ed wouldn’t have found intentional were it not for the small slip of paper Oswald subtly dropped onto Ed’s desk. It simply read, “ _ shared between two, most often to woo, the beginning of us all, young and old, what am i? _ ” Ed felt his heart pick up pace, felt it nearly leap right out of his chest and back to Oswald, it’s true owner. Remaining in his seat for the hour and a half class felt nearly impossible, but Edward somehow managed it. Before the teacher had even finished talking Ed had his books packed away and was ready to spring out of his seat. 

_      He remembers me. He remembers we kissed. He remembered the riddle. He gave me a love riddle. He remembers me.  _

     But also;  _ Does he remember it all? _

     Over and over in his head the thoughts raced. It seemed impossibly too much. As the other students rose and began to exit the classroom, Ed pushed his way out the door immediately. He wanted to be outside waiting for him, he needed to talk to him, needed to know how Oswald felt about it all,  _ what he remembered _ .

     “H-hello! Oswald, Hi!” Oswald flinched slightly, clearly not expecting Ed to be waiting by the door to loom over him. 

     “Edward. Good to see you in the light of day.” and that smirk, it was downright filthy. Ed almost died right there.

     “Hah! Yes, right, day, um, about that-”

     “About what, Edward? Daytime? Or maybe you’re alluding to last night?” Ed gave a shaky nod, a gesture which was mostly useless going by the knowing glint in Oswald’s eye. “What, specifically, about last night did you want to discuss with me, Ed?”

     “We-well, you see, I don’t know how much of last night you remember, I confess, there are gaps in my own memory- but if you’ll recall there was a somewhat heated moment we shared-”

     “You mean when you went down on me in Bruce Wayne’s laundry room? Yes, Edward, I definitely remember that.” Ed felt the telling warmth of a blush spread across his face and down his neck, equal parts embarrassment and arousal.

     “Yes, that. Anyways, I know this is a long shot, seeing as I certainly was nothing special after you’ve already been with most of the school but-”

     “Edward,” Oswald stopped him, both with his words and literally by blocking his path as they’d begun to walk together towards the parking lot in the back of the school, “I’m not sure what you’ve heard, but I definitely did not achieve that great of a feat. All in all I only actually kissed twelve people last night. Not half the student body. And as far as a body count in,” He glanced quickly around them, making sure to lower his voice to remain discreet, “ _ other  _ ways goes, you’d probably be shocked at how low that number really is.”

     Somehow, that made Ed feel slightly better. He knew he shouldn’t feel hurt regardless- no matter how many men he’d slept with, Oswald would always be the love of Edward’s life- but knowing he was amongst only a few, a happy few, to have been with Oswald in that way...He couldn’t help it, Edward felt honored. 

     “Oh. Well, yes, that’s certainly... Regardless, I don’t assume you meant anything by  _ engaging  _ with me last night, I mean it was just to get over your recent breakup after all, but I was hoping that, well, that maybe it... _ could _ mean something?” Ed winced at how hopeful and desperate he sounded. Honestly, Oswald was probably mortified he’d even let such a naive child blow him at all. Ed should know better than to try to make something out of a simple drunken hookup. 

     “What are you asking me, Edward?” And yet, he didn’t look disgusted. Or annoyed. He looked rather...fond.

     “Oswald, would you like to have dinner with me? Tonight, possibly? I know several restaurants, depending on any dietary restrictions you might have, and-”

     Oswald stopped Ed’s rant with a maddeningly chaste, incredibly quick peck to his lips. Dizzily Ed realized it paralleled their kiss from last night, immediately after they’d both... “Ed, I’d be delighted. How about you pick me up at, say, 7? You do know where I live, right?” It felt as though Os was mocking him, but Ed was far too thrilled to care.

     “Yes! Yes, that's...perfect.” And really, he should be more embarrassed about how flustered he was over one tiny kiss, but this was  _ Oswald Cobblepot _ , the man of his dreams. He felt somewhat entitled to his bumbling state.

     “I do have one comment, though,” Oswald began, reaching down to entwine his fingers with Ed’s and resume their walk to the lot. Ed waited with bated breath for whatever terrifying thing Oswald might have to offer. “For a complete and utter virgin- that was easily the most mind-blowing blowjob I have ever received.”

     Ed couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled out of him. He wished he had a photograph of all the craziness that had occurred in his life in the span of less than 24 hours. It would truly be a treasure impossibly priceless and irreplaceable to hold. But a photo like that simply didn’t exist.

     Unless...

Fin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also i wrote this at like 1am so it's probably shit :)
> 
> also this fic is born of my strong belief that john mulaney needs to play the riddler js

**Author's Note:**

> wow. so anyways all the events at/after the rager were either directly pulled from the John Mulaney bit "The One Thing You Can't Replace", or my actual real life experiences at several college parties. can you tell i miss the party scene just a little? 
> 
> I'm gonna just say my personal hc is that Os and Ed walked all the way home together talking and being soft and gay, but I also believe they were both beyond blackout at that point so they both just don't remember it. 
> 
> thanks for reading, feel free to ignore me now or maybe leave a comment idk your life and your choices are your own.


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